The Paradox of Perfection
“This has to be the most amazing first sentence.” This is the thought process that prevented me from starting to write my therapy blog posts for a long time. I soon realized that this thought of doing things imperfectly that you don’t even start is called “life paralysis” and this can prevent you from leading a meaningful life.
The danger with perfectionism is that it's completely unrealistic. No one is perfect. But to constantly live in fear of someone finding out you're not perfect is what leads to stress, anxiety, or depression. Paradoxically, something that you thought perfectionism would repel.
Consequently, if you do make a mistake you might shame, blame yourself, think you didn't people please, hide your flaws well enough or you didn't work hard enough.
We have to stop glamorizing perfectionism. It is hurting our kids. For example parents frequently lose their temper while kids are playing competitive sports because the focus has shifted from personal development and social connection to fierce competition and winning at all costs.
Also, students in high achieving schools with high standardized test scores and grades who head to top colleges are experiencing higher rates of mental health problems compared to national norms.
Here are some ways to help ourselves and our youth break free from the perfectionism chain.
Accept that fear is an emotion that is fueling your perfectionism. Perhaps you fear that if you let go of your perfectionism you will lose your edge or fall behind others. Identify and label that this is simply the story or narrative you're telling yourself about perfectionism. Energy spent trying to be perfect can leave you burnt out with emotional difficulties.
Set boundaries and reflect if you are people pleasing. Practice showing up authentically with your needs, feelings, and values in relationships and in life while letting go of the outcome. In other words, you're not trying to control the other person's opinion or reaction towards you by being or doing something that is not in alignment with who you are. You can ask yourself is the reason I am doing this and I'm trying for it to be perfect so that someone will approve of me or is it because I truly value this action or task and trying to improve myself?
Externalize perfectionism. When you notice yourself trying to be perfect, see it as a title labeled “perfectionism” on a book or movie title or simply as an advertisement on the side of the bus that you watch go by. You can also tell yourself this sentence “I notice I'm having the thought that...” and then add your pressured perfection thought. For example you could say: “ I notice I am having the thought that I must be flawless with my presentation.” Externalizing perfectionism as just a narrative removes the energy that you place in being perfect and instead places it on your own personal meaning.
Identify and recognize meaning in your life. Identify what would make your life more meaningful not more perfect. Recognize the value in ordinary things. Perfectionism is like dark glasses that don't let you see the vibrancy of everyday life. For example spending time playing with your son can be meaningful to you and you can recognize the value of this ordinary activity.
To be human is to have flaws. We are born into this world imperfect ( crying, covered with fluid, can’t talk etc) but we are still loved and accepted.
Next time you are trying to be perfect remember that the paradox of perfectionism is that the more we try to be perfect the less we might be able to be truly present and enjoy life in the moment and overall be unique people. The thread that connects us all and makes us interesting is our imperfection.
